my whole life i’ve just been “that smart girl.” the one who knows everything and that’s how people knew me. that’s how i identified myself—how i knew who i was. i was… a nerd. a musician. a bookworm. a golfer. all of that. slowly i’ve lost all of those things i valued and… i don’t think i know who i am anymore. i’m no longer as smart as i thought i was. i don’t think i’m a good musician or golfer. i haven’t been reading as much, so i can’t identify by that anymore, either. i’ve lost myself and i’m trying so hard to find me and i just… i can’t. i’m lost and scared and insecure. and nobody sees it. when we hear about identifying ourselves, i don’t think we think about what that really means. it means “who do we think we are?” what makes us… us? once you know who you are… it’s like oh wow! i knownow. it makes so much sense. but if you lose those things you found yourself to be… what then?
he is literally “my type”
cute little sister
has a good sense of fashion
nice, polite, humorous
he’s just so… aloof sometimes. quiet. and i feel like i get the cold shoulder all the time. hot, then cold, then hot, then cold again… maybe i’m just seeing what i want to see, something that’s not there. but then… i guess i’m just extremely stupid and trying too hard to wish for something that will never happen. so many times…
the only reason people change is out of either inspiration or desperation…
i took a deep breath and did what i wanted to do. not sure now if it was my best decision, even though i got what i wanted. what a gift, with a bite of venom…